My name is Tanya and on Wednesday March 31,2010 my dad has died at the age of 63.He leaves behind three children and 4 grand daughters.RIP

Im so done emotionally,as I sit here typing and wiping my tears.Dad now has cancer in his lungs and on antibiotics for ammonia and if that wasn’t bad enough, low and behold his parents showed up who have dis owned us after my parents split. Very uncomfortable to say the least.
My mom is in tears,she can no longer deal with whats happening, tomorrow she wants to say her goodbyes.She just started to get her life back without him and now he is her only focus once again.It is draining her physically and emotionally. My mother is my friend and my rock,when she is this sad it kills me.
I feel consumed with my fathers illness,its all i can think about. I feel guilty that my children are dealing with such an emotionally family. We have tried to shield them as much as possible,but lets face it kids are damn smart.Am i selfish to want my life back,my kids my husband? This sucks in every way possible!
We planned the funeral today,at least that wasn’t as painful as i expected.Thank God!! Now with his apartment? When is the right time to start emptying it out? Someone anyone help!? So much to do and no time to do it.

Sorry it’s taken me so long to write,things have been quite busy around here.About 10 days ago I took Dad to his doctors appointment,they can be so blunt,but I truly needed to hear what he had to say.He told us Dad was dying faster than he thought. He suggested going to the hospital for a blood transfusion and more scans.My dad was getting weaker by the dad and if he fell,a broken bone could kill him at this point. Dad just looked at me and said he was ready to go home,and wanted to hear nothing more about going to hospital. After days of fearing the worst,he did fall,luckily nothing broke but he decided it was time and he was getting scared.I contacted the pallative care unit and was told he had to be admitted through the ER,then wait in the hall until a bed opened somewhere in the city. What the HELL,I was so mad,my dying father in the hallway in the ER!!!! What a system this is,That’s what we get in the end??? Hell no!!I made a number of calls,and was getting nowhere fast. The next day I got the call,a bed had opened and he was to be transferred from the apartment to the hospital by ambulance that afternoon. What a relief!
It’s been 6 days,bone scan results show cancer in the rib cage,spine and femur.Yesterday he was vomiting and gagging during our visit,he said he wanted this over and he was ready to go.Today they are going to try a blood transfusion to give him some much needed energy,he hasn’t eaten in a week,and his belly is starting to extend.
Some days I just want to cry and complain how unfair this all is,and I usually do, but dad hates it when I cry so I save it for the car.My poor hubby gets to see all the tears and melt downs,poor guy.
Today I’m going to pre plan the funeral,and clean the food out of his fridge.Everday is something new,and everytime the phone rings my heart races,Im afraid for my dad,although he has excepted his fate I cant help but wonder if he is scared or at peace?

Yesterday we went to the doctors for the cat scan results. Unfortunately things are not looking good. The cancer has gone from the bladder into the pelvis and hip bones. I didn’t realize cancer would actually put holes in your bones.They placed dad on stronger pain meds which will hopefully improve his walking.

Last month dad had requested the family take a trip to the lake and go fishing together,he wants to teach my daughters how its done. Of course I got right on his request and booked fathers day weekend.  Dad talks about it almost everyday,  I don’t want to break his heart and tell him how bad things are going to get. He has excepted his fate, and has not gone through any of the stages we were expecting. I’m hoping he doesn’t crash and fall apart. As for me, I’m trying to prepare for what is to come,whatever that is. I have never gone through anything like this before and I’m finding everyday to be a blessing. Life can be so unfair,if he had a good life I would feel better in someway,but right from his childhood he had such a hard time with lies and addiction, that pain carried into his marriage and his ability to be a father. My hope is that he will be able to take this one last trip and spend time with my girls, and they can get to know there Opa, and I can finally get the memories from my dad that I always craved.

I have never blogged before,so here we go.

I’m a 36 years old happily married mother of three beautiful daughters, and my father is dying of cancer.Ill start from the beginning. I’m the youngest of three,and grew up in a middle class home in Winnipeg. My parents immigrated from Germany in the 50’s. They married in their late teens, Mom stayed at home and Dad had  your typical labourers job. Long hours and little pay. It wasn’t until i was 9 or 10 that i realized all our family problems fell on my dad.His drinking was slowly killing our family. Throughout the years things went from bad to worse. After 45 years of marriage, Mom had had enough. With the support of her three children Mom had asked him to leave.The house went up for sale and she moved in with her Mom,  and Dad found an apartment. He began to drink more than ever and his world started to crash down beneath him. My sister and my brother wanted nothing to do with him, and me  i stuck around until things became unbearable. Missed dinner visits, and the guilt trips, oh the guilt trips. I was some how  responsible for everything in his life.The never ending calls that i could make it all better were just too much.I made the painful choice to block his phone number, and take a break.

Six months had gone by,the phone rang one Sunday morning from my Mom. My aunt had called her, Dad has cancer. I immediately called the hospital and spoke with him. He was terrified.

Surgery was scheduled for September.The plan was to remove the bladder and give him an ostomy bag. After 3 hours of a 6 hour surgery, the doctor came out and told me the cancer is so far gone there was nothing they could do. His bleeding was uncontrollable, if he made it through the night they would give him 18 months to live. I was devastated. I’m 36 and have never felt i even had a father. There are no memories of learning to ride a bike, or hitting a ball in the backyard. Now I’m told time is running out. First things first, he needs to be told this news and so does my family. My sister was mildly sympathetic, she holds many hard feelings toward him, even today. My brother was starting to come around.Thank god,this is too hard to do on my own.

Today everyone is talking and even getting together. Dad has promised,no more alcohol,and to my surprise he hasn’t had a drink.This is coming from a man who always said he never drank and were all crazy.My family is on good terms,and I’m getting to know a father I never had. I’m thankful for each day my kids have their Opa and I have my dad.

Tuesday we go and find out cat-scan results, has the cancer spread? How long do we have?

But first we celebrate his 63rd birthday party.

How do i prepare myself for it being the last?